Closing The Door

I have a girlfriend (not that kind of girlfriend) whom I’ve known for years. She’s a wonderful spirit and for the most part does all the right things in life to be good to herself and others. She gave me permission to write this post with the promise of maintaining her anonymity. Thank you!

We were talking the other day and I was just sharing with her some things that I’ve been working on regarding my coaching practice and the book I’m writing, basketball, flag-football, personal relationships etc. And I listened to her about everything prosperous and positive in her life. You know, just chit-chat. As we approached our cars after lunch, she began to cry. I asked, what’s the matter? And she expressed “I just can’t let go of the past and it’s ruining my relationships with every guy that tries to have something with me!” “I just don't know how to let the past and what he did go!”

I have to admit Iwas a bit taken aback by her sudden change in emotion. However, I’m very familiar with the man she was with back then and I recall how he violated her trust with lies, infidelities and verbal abuse. It was a tough time for her. Since then she has had several relationships (about three) and none have lasted more than a year. She realizes that she really hasn’t healed from that experience. She’s clearly over the guy but, she can’t advance past the pain and disparity. “He broke my spirit Shelby”, she says. “I just can’t put all of my trust in a man but I know (she emphasizes) there are good men out there. Since about four and a half years ago I really have met and liked some good guys”. “But, I can’t close the door on the past! I keep letting it get in the way and I’m pushing men away”.

My friend is most likely not much different then many women out there; a good person, mother, daughter, sister and friend who has opened her heart and soul to a man and had it broken into pieces with her left to put it back together. She’s not scorned. Even through all of the anger and pain she still wants to love. Rightfully so, every woman deserves love and a healthy relationship.

She and I sat on the curb in the parking garage of the building where we had lunch and discussed many things at that time regarding her feelings and her mindset on why she feels she can’t let go of the past. I asked her dozens of thought provoking questions and she replied with insightful responses. There were times when the ‘light bulb’ in her head lit up, and she began to see the sun out-shine the dark cloud in her mind and heart. She expressed to me, “It’s the past Shelby and I have to let that sh*t go!” “I have the power to move forward and overcome these mental and emotional blocks that I have...thinking and feeling that every man will be the same as he was”. “I know that’s not true”. Then she got mad. “Hell, I’m still giving his sorry ass power over me and I really ain’t having that no more!”

Needless to say, my friend recognized that healing is a process. She began to realize that even though she had developed trust barriers and insecurities because of her 'ex', she has learned more than she ever realized from the experience. She expressed to me that she is not going to dwell on all of the bad stuff and use it as an excuse to continue being the way she has been with men. Instead, SHE made the decision on her own to file it away in her mind and label it “Lessons”, and in that file she will refer to it as a tool box that will assist her from now forward in dating, relationships, and life. "I know it sounds cliche' but, I not I can't change the past but I can control my present". "And yes I KNOW I won't get over it over night...I know it takes time. And now that it's on the table... I can really deal with it", she says with a faint smile.

After roughly 2 1/2 hours later, my friend felt much better. Just so you all know, I provided no answers. I just helped her understand she has the formula to heal herself, know her worth and recognize a better man while she is dating. I always say, use ALL experiences good or bad to empower yourself and grow. Every woman that can relate to her situation you also can heal from past relationships and bad men. To begin, you must close the door.

Peace is Love…Love is Infinite

Shelby M. Hill
Relationship Empowerment Coach

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